what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
