so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
