I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
