my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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