this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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