All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
