How'd it feel making her break her religion?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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