i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
