My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
