is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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