omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
