I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
