You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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