She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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