haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
