i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Randomize
