I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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