Kiss
Puke
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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