I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
