i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
