On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
