My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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