it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
