It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
