it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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