i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.