I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Drunk is a universal language darling
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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