You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You are a genius and a whore.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
