Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
