So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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