he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
