I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
