I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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