my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
