Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
