She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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