I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
