I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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