In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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