I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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