Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
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