I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
