Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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