My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
