My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
