im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
