Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
