PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
