its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
