your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
