he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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