He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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