Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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