what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
