How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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