seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
