dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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