My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
