i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
